Looking Out For Lexi

Being a mother of a micro-preemie is probably one of the hardest tasks that God will place upon me in my lifetime. To the outside world, those that do not know Lexi's story or how far she has come, Lexi is a smart, bright, beautiful little spirit full of energy and sass. What they cannot see is what lies beneath her porcelain skin.  Illness riddles her tiny body and, for the better part, we have the majority of the problems under control. However, that is for now, meaning in this instance, because when Lexi's body decides to rebel, it does so in the blink of an eye.


Living with a child with four different and unique seizure disorders is difficult. We dare not say the word out loud in our home for fear that it will jinx us. So far this week, Lexi has had two episodes. In the past, we would rush her to the hospital. Now, we just learn to work through them. There isn't anything that anyone can do but keep her safe and get her through them and pray to God that they don't take her from us like they almost did this past January.


Lexi recently was diagnosed with spectrum behavior disorder, that being the autism spectrum. It is very difficult to watch our baby battle the conflicts in her mind. She is constantly throwing herself around and down, constantly self-stimulating, and goes from happy to sad in the blink of an eye. It is so hard to watch knowing there is nothing I can do to comfort her. I can only let her work through it on her own.


It is also difficult to go into public. Lexi lives in this little bubble that we have created to keep her safe and to protect her from her own immune system (or lack thereof). When we do venture out, Lexi can chose to be good or she can choose to be bad. Either way, she does not realize what she is doing. Lexi's brain does not comprehend right from wrong.  She does not understand intonation of voice or discipline. People stare at me as if they are saying, "Control your child." If only they knew that it is so difficult to do what seems so easy to them. 


Since the birth of my daughter, I view the world through a different set of eyes. I don't stare in wonder at those around me with handicaps. Instead, I smile and converse. I don't criticize parents with screaming kids. They may have something similar to Lexi's disability. I have always tried not to judge others, but I know that the human side of me has taken over in the past and I have shot dirty looks or muttered under my breath. That part of me disappeared when I saw my daughter for the first time. She is special. Every person is special in their own quirky way. We are all exactly how we were meant to be according to our Maker. We are perfect in His eyes. 


God gave me this precious girl to look after for Him. He chose me, out of every woman on this Earth. For that, I feel blessed in Him. So regardless of what life throws at me, I will keep looking out for Lexi, because that is exactly what I was born to do.